The Nurturing of
Girls and Boys

Return to Leslie Kirc's Creations

These true scenarios explained to me how boys and girls are different and how they are similar, and how teachers, parents, and society shape a child's character. When I worked in a card shop, and sometimes business was slow. I would stand in the back and watch people. The register was in the back of the middle aisle. Behind it was the wrapping paper and such. Besides the center aisle there were aisles on the right and left.

This is how the story goes. A family came into the shop and went down the left aisle of the shop towards the back. I remember a Mother, at least one other adult and an 18-month to 2-year-old little girl. After awhile the little girl wandered to the back of the shop where the bins of wrapping-paper rolls were. You couldn't just lift them out because they were under a shelf. You had to pull the rolls forward first then lift them out. They got caught on the lip of the shelf if you didn't pull them forward first. The rolls fascinated the little girl; it took her awhile to get the first roll out. She put the first roll into a bin and then the second roll into another bin until I gently put my hand on the end of a roll she had. I said in a firm but soft voice, "I don't think you need to mix my rolls up any more." She looked up at me quizzically. Her mother came scurrying over and picked her up and went back to picking out a card.

When they had bought their cards and left the store, a man and his little boy of the same age came down the right aisle towards the back and started to look at cards. The same thing happens - the little boy wanders to the back to play with the same wrapping-paper rolls. He goes through the same learning experience to figure out how the rolls come out. When he gets his first one out he is happy and starts to wave it in the air. Then looks at the counter where the register is and takes a gentle swing at it. I quickly grab the end of the roll and in a gentle but firm voice say, "I don't think you need to do that." His dad quickly comes over and picks up his little boy and takes him back to get the card he wants.

When the man and his son had purchased a card and left, a mother and her little girl of about the same age come down the center aisle. The mother starts to look at the cards. The little girl starts to gently touch the cards. She finally takes a card out. Her mother slaps her hand. The child reaches frantically to touch the cards and grabs them as her mother yells at her and shakes the child's hands. Then the mother drags the child out of the shop scolding her all the way. The child was angrily crying. At least 2 of the cards were wrinkled. I had to take them out of stock. I went to the section where the first little girl had been. Sure enough I had to rearrange the bottom row of cards. None of them were damaged. The little boys section looked none the worse for wear.

This scenario has a lot of things going on. Let us first look at the way the girl and boy learned. It was in exactly the same way. So, what is the difference between girls and boys? It was the way they used what they learn. Girls tend to like to arrange and sort. Boys take a more physical approach to things like swinging and beating things. Although the girl and boy both used large muscle movements the girls were more conservative and boys more energetic in their use of this newfound skill. This makes the girls easier to handle inside the home or classroom. Where boys do better outside where their energetic movements can be expressed without too much fuss from their caretakers. In a pre-school setting run mostly by women, it is frustrating to them to have to put up with the antics of boys. The boys will get scolded much more frequently than the girls. This frequency of scolding is noticed by the boys and they could interpret it as unfair.

If the teacher tells the boy he is bad and no-good often enough, he can become resentful. His since of self worth diminished. Much like the little girl in the center aisle, there was conflict between mother and daughter and nothing constructive resulted. The mother didn't get the card she might have wanted. The child was aggressive and destructive and upset. The child didn't learn anything. She wasn't allowed to explore her environment or mimic her mother. If this were her only experience of the market place, she would grow up hating the market place and society. Her Mother, I am sure, felt that she was teaching the child not to touch merchandise when you go into a store. Yet, all that was accomplished was destroyed property, a very angry child and a self-righteous mother.

The lesson from these scenarios is the value of trust the first two parents had in their children and myself (as a representative of society). Children want to be like there parents and fit into society. Children don't know why adults do what they do. They only know what they see and it is good to mimic what they see. I small child of under two sees the cards being removed from the rack by her or his parents and wants to do the same. They are able to do this and put them back like their parents. This age child can't read and may not understand what the pictures represent so their interest will only be what they can do with it. Their parents know this and gently discourage them before they get to the fold, crumple or tear phase. I, like their parents, discouraged them when they came to the destructive stage. This showed consistency to the children.

The three rules to observe with the education and raising children is respect the child, listen to what the child has to say and be consistent. Children are people with undeveloped bodies and brains. As people they have all their emotions. They need our respect and to be treated respectfully. It is not respectful to hit another person. Why would we want to hit a child? Part of this respect leads to listening to what our children are saying and responding appropriately. When a child starts talking, get down on his level and try to figure out the meaning of his words. The common mistake adults' make is talking over the heads of children or yelling at them from a distance. Communication between children and adults starts at birth and stops when adults stop listening. Consistency will make well-adjusted children. The first two children in the scenario experienced consistency in their parent's rules and the storekeeper's rules. You can touch and pick up but nothing more. When the parents picked up there children from the back of the store they were reinforcing the storekeeper's rules. There was no crying with the first two children. Yet, trust me those children did learn something. Crying is the result of being tired, hurt or frustrated not the result of learning something. Learning is a quite thing that expresses itself later. That is why we have to trust our children and listen to them.

What is reassuring about these scenarios is that girls and boys learn in the same way and it is the application of what they have learned that is different. The statement that girls like to sort and boys like to swing things is true in a very limited since. I have seen all the girls digging quietly in the sand box and all the boys running around the yard, playing chase. Ten minutes later some of the boys will be digging in the sand box and all the girls getting the remaining boys to chase them. As the time moves along the children chasing and in the sand may change but both activities will continue. The scale of active children and inactive children varies. Some of the boys will fall at the top of the active scale and some of the girls will fall at the bottom of the inactive scale but in the center it is an equally mixed group of girls and boys. In my observations of teachers, female teachers perceive boys as more aggressive than girls. This results in more scolding of the boys. I don't think this is good for them. I instinctively feel that there is a difference between the way girls and boys behave but the real difference comes in the teen years and not in the earliest years. As we have seen in these scenarios, the first two children behaved the same except that the boy waved the paper roll and the girl sorted the paper rolls. This may have been partly because of individual preference as opposed to gender.

I will conclude that the most important thing that we can do for our children, and the world as a whole, is respect and trust them, listen to them and be consistent with them. Every child desires to please his family and fit in. The world is sometimes a large and confusing place for children and this results in fits of temper and frustrated crying. Be patient, you're the adult. In the end it will all pay off in a well-balanced adult.